It has been a strange and special year: it started out with a mild but persistent headache that simply got worse.
By the time I was told that I had cancer I wasn't exactly mentally functional: I had increasingly worse headaches and my neck was in pain; I lived in fear of violent neck spasms.
The pain had a deadening effect on me and when I started to think I might die I considered that idea calmly. My world darkened and being the fatalist that I am I just accepted that. Death seemed very reasonable, likely and not necessarily unpleasant considering that I was in episodic pain.
There have been perhaps a handful of people that when they have died I have known about it through some discomforting dream. And it occurred to me that there were people who loved me and they might have some very bad dreams when I died.
I had a responsibility to them and I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to pull back from the abyss and live.
Now all my litte tumors seem to be gone and in another couple of months I will be free of chemotherapy treatments and can have my port removed.
I can say that life looks very good right now.
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