Borrowed Time?

Every few days off the revlimid I notice some change in feeling of well being or alertness that I start to look forward to a week, perhaps two when the side effects will diminish more. It's been a rather long road although I've forgotten the thousand and one plagues from the beginning of this until now.   Thank goodness for a shallow memory.

I was in the middle of flossing my teeth when I remembered the scent of saline solution after it's been pushed into my port.  I didn't remember the hospital just the sensation and the feeling my sinuses had.  I almost smelled it.   Not quite a headache and not unlike smelling the deathbed room after visiting someone who is dying.

It occurred to me that I am perhaps on borrowed  time.  My tumors could have killed me, but I had a reprieve.  And it occurred to me that I have borrowed quite a bit of time already.   My thyroid stopped working right when I was about 45 and I came to the point where I didn't want to go on anymore.   I was about 50 when my appendix came apart in the instruments of the surgeons.    I am a diabetic.

 I am already quite far in debt in the time department.


I have headaches almost every day.  Actually, I think it is every day.  It's the drugs; one or many working in concert.   My heart thumps funny almost each night which started with the revlimid.  When I get tired, I feel weak and my body feels awful.

I should feel that my life has become some vast black pit that I am looking into but I am determined to make it through this and will get better. I will simply borrow more time.